Nothing seems to matter anymore. Everything seems so futile and everyone is so…replaceable. I just don’t really see the good in people anymore I guess.
I’ve decided to return to who I was before. The old (younger) me who was so full of life, so motivated and so giving; before absolutely all innocence was robbed of me. The old me who achieved excellence in whatever he put his mind to. Yes, it is not something that could simply be decided on, but it’s an important first step towards being the best version of myself.
I used to think pain was a good teacher, that suffering teaches you lessons and sacrifice was the path to salvation. However, I am coming to the realization that the lessons it teaches should be forgotten. It does not help at all; it is like the chain that anchors your leg down when you’re desperately trying to swim up to the surface. As I grew older and suffered, I took faith that I have always known where the keys were kept, and it just takes enough suffering to recall where the key was to unlock the shackles. Now, I see that the chain was never there in the first place
I couldn’t swim up because, deep down, I didn’t want to. It was more comfortable drowning in the ocean floor, because after you’ve been trapped in something for a long time, you forget the life on the surface. It is uncomfortable, yes, but it was all you’ve known for a while, and it was at least familiar.
However, this is the wrong way of thinking. Loss and pain is all that’s left of what we’ve lost. We should remember what we’ve lost, but never be trapped in it, or feel that it is the norm of things. Always remember that it is ironically a blessing to feel so much pain-you only feel immense loss for someone or something you’ve loved as immensely.
Even if the shackles weren’t imaginary, it is rusting. I’m starting to swim towards the light on the surface, to return to where I came from before I jumped inside the waters. These are deep waters, but if I could swim all the way down, I must be able to rise again.
“Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Suffering follows an evil thought as the wheels of a cart follow the oxen that draws it.
Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Joy follows a pure thought like a shadow that never leaves.”
― Gautama Buddha
I’m haunted by the people I failed to save. They follow me, wherever I go.
I’m getting really good at tying the noose.
And you said something that made me stop. With that one sentence, you changed my life forever.